HRH The Prince of Wales, the only heir to the British throne to have been caught expressing a desire to be transformed into a sanitary towel, has a book coming out. Co-written with Tony Juniper and Ian Skelly, it's entitled 'Harmony: A New Way of Looking at the World'.
Richard Girling savaged it in last week's 'Sunday Times'. King Tampon apparently thinks we should eat less meat, as Girling says '(f)or health reasons in this age of obesity and heart disease'. I hope King Tampon doesn't either make or seek to make any money from selling meat raised on his estates. And speaking of meat, I'll have mine well done, with onion rings and ketchup, thanks.
However, King Tampon is also apparently worried about population growth, wondering whether "it is not time we came to a view that balances the traditional attitude to the sacred nature of life on the one hand with, on the other, those teachings within each of the sacred traditions that urge humankind to keep within Nature's benevolence and bounty".
If I didn't know better, I'd think that was a very nice way of saying 'It's the needle in the arm for you, vermin, so shut up and die and then the real people will be able get back to enjoying the place'. But of course I know better.
It's not often that one misses the ecclesiastical administration of Tampon's old antagonist, the late Thomas Joseph Cardinal Winning, sometime Roman Catholic Archbishop of Glasgow - in my experience, His Eminence could both uplift and jar in equal measure, sometimes in the same breath - but it's a pity he's not around now right now, because TJ, God rest his soul, would have ripped Tampon any number of new orifices for that one.
And he'd be quite right to do so. My interpretation of that quote is that Tampon wants organised religion -the typically foggy use of foggy, soggy expressions such as 'sacred traditions' indicates a lack of clarity about the nature of religion from someone who's going to be the head of their own church one day - to provide a theological fig leaf for population control. If that were to be the case, then sadly it would indicate that King Tampon's views on religion are identical to those of his relation King Henry VIII, that it's there to help underpin your policies and justify the pursuit of your goals. One can only thank God that we are now a constitutional monarchy. Being beheaded on the orders of an absolute monarch who talks to his plants would just be embarrassing.
Lest I be carted off to the Tower, I am, of course, kidding - sort of. When the time comes for him to ascend the throne, I will give my King the allegiance he deserves. I hope that time is a long way off yet, because I think that HRH The Prince of Wales is neither a fit nor proper person to be King. He is way too shopsoiled, and gobby with it. Having only ever led a life of conspicuous consumption, it is rank bad manners for him to prey on others' good manners by lecturing them about their lifestyles, or about how much carbon they use, or about what they should or shouldn't be eating, or about whether or not they should be breeding. Let us hope he makes a good fist of being King, and adheres to his Coronation Oath; although that might be asking too much, given the trouble he had with his first set of marriage vows.