Saturday, August 09, 2008

Contacts Wanted

If any readers know of Catholics who, like me, suffer from Tourette Syndrome, could you ask them to get in touch with me?


Blogger Pat Hannagan said...

Hi Martin, I want to write to you to let you know that all is well, you are not alone. In fact you appear to me to be blessed with erudition, honesty and bravery. These are a triumvirate of occurrences not to be given commonplace recognition. There is nothing trifling about it.

I know that your Tourette's is an affliction to you. I don't share its peculiarities with you. However, I admire your forthrightness in stating your situation to the world. It is something I have only ever alluded to.

I have been beset with OCD in the past and it (the demon fear) reoccurs still from time to time. It is something I have never wanted to declare openly about myself for fear of being branded a nutcase and everything I say just an outpouring of that condition, as if it were an impulse that commanded my being. As if I were the resultant factor of some neurological disorder.

OCD is not like Jack Nicholson's character in As Good as It Gets. OCD is not some funny crack jumping, hand washing, superstition besotted twit waiting for the right woman to set him free. OCD is as portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of The Aviator. It is a nightmare living unable to wake from.

In my worst moments I spent hours pacing the floor in an eternal loop of rumination to the point of weeping in desolation or holding my hand unable to disengage for fear of unleashing the fury of some hell pent up and swollen in my heart and soul.

It is no small matter to hide from your children, like the Phantom of the Opera, and at the same time find yourself as laughably ridiculous pouring scorn upon yourself for your self seeming bathos.

Yet no one would have known it. I hid it well. None of my family knew. To all outward appearances I was as if my normal self. Yet I was preparing my accidental death to save them all and myself.

I only relate this to let you know that I share, or have shared, your despair.

The inspiration for my blog is the embodiment of the soul as I saw it and still see it, a carbuncle, at once full of pus and every vice secreted and oozing through the pores yet simultaneously like the ruby, a large core of bright light refracting of a beauty, a radiant carbuncled core of Good.

I used to imagine that relief would come if I could just cough up the residual core of my evil, and hack it out into my palm displayed to all. I yearned to hold it aloft like the trophy of an evangelist exorcising his poor downtrodden brother.

No prayer I gave was met. God was not found. I never looked back to see the footsteps of Christ carrying me in that time.

Salvation was in a book I happened upon in my local library written by a Catholic layman on the subject, coincidentally, of OCD. I waded through it hoping in vain to find salvation or commonsense to shake me to mine and, almost giving up, the last chapter contained a verse the entirety I forget, except the following words which I repeated like an incantation:

"I have thoughts, I am not my thoughts, I have sickness, I am not my sickness..."

The recognition of a Truth seeped in slowly. There was the smallest of epiphany that bloomed over the ensuant weeks. This trite foundation was proven to be the solid basis of my reincarnation.

I only relate all this as example that you are not alone. I continue beset by doubts and fears like anyone else. But one thing I learned is that this is my journey just as your Tourettes is yours. My Cross and yours are different but embracing them both is the necessary component to moving beyond the pain.

Our afflictions don't define us but our accepting of them does.

I don't have anything Christian like to encourage you with. In fact, I believe that the majority of Christians are a bunch of cowardly fakers hoping to trick their way into their own made paradise and find them even more hopelessly pathetic than the most common of Muslim. Even more so since they are not compelled except for their fear of death to create their future life and current salvation.

I am not sure where I am going with this. Save, there it is my own story to share with you. Something that I am reluctant to tell for all the reasons given.

I remember many years prior to my recognition of my OCD a terrifying moment when I actually felt that I moved from my body, that I was immaterial, that I didn't matter and I thought I would disappear from the face of the earth. I sang a tune to bring me back. Each time that happened to me I sang the same song and each time I came back.

The great insight that I have is that God doesn't exist without His creation. There is no God without us to behold Him. He disappears when we do. The Creator and created exist symbiotically. The Bible is our story and not God's per se.

God is beyond anything.

I have found my teenaged self. I have found that Jesus was a man convicted of God, the embodiment, who suffered willingly, yet painfully just like all us others. I remember being overcome with that insight when I was 16 and I wept at Christ's responsibility to live out his Father's injunction.

Other than that, I really hope and pray that you can complete this part of your journey and come to a new acceptance of yourself in relation to God.

My love and prayers with you brother and mate.



PS. Sorry for the long winded crap. Grog and kids clouded my way :-)

09 August, 2008 15:52  
Blogger Martin said...

Thanks, Pat.

09 August, 2008 16:35  
Blogger Paulinus said...

These two blog lists might be useful:

A-Z of British Catholic blogs

A-Z of Catholic blogs (UK and beyond)

I'll put out an appeal on my blog

12 August, 2008 13:32  
Blogger Martin said...


Thanks for the tip.

12 August, 2008 14:09  

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